I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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