Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
