My room smells like vodka and shame
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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