She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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