I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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