Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
