Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
