: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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