I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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