I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
