I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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