I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
