worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
