Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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