The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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