I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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