Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
