I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
