she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
