Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
