I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
