Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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