I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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