she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The uberlube is also flammable
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
