remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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