Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
