My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
