Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
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Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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