Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
