my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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