I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
