Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Mom said you looked used
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
