He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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