My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
