I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
