My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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