During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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