I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
