yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
