tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
