He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
