Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
