I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
