All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
