i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
