I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I checked into jail on foursquare
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
