i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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