Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
