there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
