Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
