look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
