I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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