He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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